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Lost In Wonderland
Without The Rabbit
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19th-Feb-2015 01:45 am - Updating again I guess LOL
Seems I only update when things happen in my life. Well, even then sporadically. It's been what? 6-7mos since my last update. I assure you I am still around.

I am on Facebook so add that okay? Christopher Kaden Belyea.

Oh and yes I am going by that now because really, what crack was my mom smoking when she though of naming me after a freaking crab.... or a boy who saves a fictional world....okay,well that sounds cool now. haha.

I am now almost 11 months on Testosterone. I am weeks away from my first operation, which is a hysterectomy, just waiting for surgery date but they say spring/summer 2015. On waiting list for CAMH still, well since December 2014 and so I probably have almost 2yrs to wait on THAT.

Seems in most Sandra's drama is gone, thank lil baby jeebus. I occasionally get someone saying that she's said something about me or strange shit happens that I chalk up to her drama. I ignore it as I should as it's not worth my time and neither is she. That lady needs some serious help and I truly do hope that one day she gets it because everyone deserves happiness.

I am doing awesome. I am happy, I am mentally stable, I am financially alright (still poor though haha), I have moved into a new place in a better area, I have a shot ton of awesome friends, I am active in the LGBT community IRL and online. There are so many things going well these days and I am so happy and thankful for everything and everyone.

No luck yet on the dating front, not that I don't get offers because I do but not in a relationship or even found someone I WANT to be in a relationship with. Sometimes people just fucking suck man, haha. I am okay with being single though, no issues there. I keep busy anyhow and probably wouldn't have too much time for a real relationship at this point. At times I feel like it would be nice though, and it would. I am good as is for now though.

I never would think that I would have 80 friends that I see constantly, well a few times a month for most and others I see on a daily/weekly basis. I have probably around 6 close friends that I enjoy being around on a daily/weekly basis. They are awesome. I have like 3 people now that I trust more than I ever thought I would... well I've always trusted mzvanessa and I always will, she's been my sistah from another mother for 24 years now (OMG HOLY CRAP! haha!).

Well, I will try and post up to date photos of me lately. Hope everyone is doing well.


21st-Jul-2014 05:44 pm - pix

18th-Jul-2014 07:11 pm - some pictures

The last one I just took now haha

18th-Jul-2014 03:48 pm - A small update for now

Well its been awhile since I posted but I realized that it's time to get my head out of my ass and start again. So, I have an LJ app for my cell (btw the app sucks!).
I am going to try to update my LJ more. I want to shoot for once a day at least, as long as I'm not busy that day. We'll see.
I am going to try and add pictures here. Hope they work.


So yeah. Lots has happened since last posted. Most I rather not share because the people who I care to share with know. No offense intended.


I have finally have manned up and came out as transgender about a year..maybe a little more ago. I have been living full time as a man for 6 months now. Been on hormones for 4 months. Voice is changing all the time, not where I neccarily want it at the moment but it's getting there. I am rarely misgendered at all anymore. I DID have a beard till I shaved it 3 weeks ago, dumb ass me lol It takes forever to grow back damnit. apparently mother nature thinks I should be a bear- at least she spared my ass.... so far lol
I am applying for my name change at the end of the month which is $137. Then as soon as I can I will be applying for gender marker change.
I have been debating CAMH. I really don't like them but it would save me $7,000. I dunno, we'll see.


I feel like strangling people at times. Jesus murphy people its none of your business if I have or want a penis. If I want to share I will. Its kind of rude and crass to ask. Kinda like me asking "hey do you like getting butt fucked?" . Seriously people, common sense-use it please.


Besides ~*Mz Vanessa*~ and her fam and my mom no one uses Rachelle anymore (cause its not my name) and I know ~*Mz Vanessa*~ tries real hard....and no I will not use Rebastian or Richard. haha. <3 You girl :-P
So yeah, only time that old name is used is legal things since its still my legal name. It fustrates me when people maliciously refuse to use Sebastian. I might just use a misgendered name on them next time and see how they lime it. No? lol
Ok. Now lets see if I can upload these pictures...


I believe these are all from April 2014 up to current date. Will post more pictures as they come.


Stay tuned for more posts.


Take care.

18th-Jul-2014 03:08 pm - Hey Guys!!
I am back and I will be updating LJ over the next little while. been wanting to come back for awhile but...I dunno. LOL.

Stay tuned! :)
7th-Jul-2011 03:43 pm - I'm a bad LJer
I have been a very bad LJer. oh well. lol.

Normally i only write when I'm frustrated or angry and while i am a little frustrated everything is pretty good.


Austin has run off on me 2 times in 2 months, found him in some random person's house with some kid.

Nothing much else has happened really.

I met this sexy funny nerd who is awesome

"Hi sexy awesome funny nerd reading this!" *wavey*

I was just sitting here just now writing this and I have come to the conclusion that my 2 cats are lesbians. Yup.

My older one is like a hard core butch dyke, a top, and into BDSM and a DOM. My little one is a sub, femme, soft core, clueless, shy, and likes being a bottom.

If you have any doubts, take them for a week LOL
1st-Jun-2011 02:05 am - blah
i wanted to update before going to bed. before i forget all this....or just dont write...

i think ive hit a downwards spiral which means i need to be careful until its done again or i might do stupid things again.

I've felt depressed all day for some reason. Nothing to be depressed about really, so i dunno.

Who knows, bipolar is strange lol

i constantly think, all i need is a hug or to cuddle for a few hours and i'd be fine but i know better than that, that mentality got me into that trouble in 2009.

besides not needing it, it would be nice though.

been feeling lonely too lately, i normally dont care one way or another and havent for a long time....i dunno...i guess "old age" brings stupid thoughts. lol.

i hig my pillow to sleep, always have, dont know if thats a sad fact or just....whatever.

then when i talk with people or chat....i just feel stupid, dismissed, ...a whatever.

bah, this shit it bullshit.

I should just go to bed.


i want to be in a relationship again but having bipolar makes me think maybe i should wait until im not so unbound....wait until i get my shit in order before i get into anything...


bah, what ever. fuck the world. fml.

i often think about getting high...i could....it would be a cheap shitty high from Benadryl or CWO or both...or I could go get Vodka and get drunk....i have a babysitter, i could.

No, I cant.

see.... im fucked up again....

never mind me....

things just suck right now and i feel lonely.

pent up energy, depression, and rage all at once....so fucking fun....

what the fuck ever.

im off to bed....maybe 8am will be better.
30th-May-2011 01:40 am - oh hai
im alive, im just a bad journaler....wait....is that a word. meh well.

im alive.... not i havent killed terry.....im still in london.....im still me...still single - for now at least -...hmnnnnn

finally got a diagnosis and they confirmed im nuts lmao j/k

im not too sure how much depth this post will have, im on my medication and typlexia would.

just wanted to write something.

urm, my journal is reading "timed out" haha

i need to catch up soon, is everyone still around or ditched this place too?

i need to update but not right now, im lucky to be able to write this much.

well before i start jumping on chairs and singing a ballod(sp?) im off to bed. fuck spell check.

Im not this insane, trust me....or not. Ill be better come morning....haha


jere is a few, a couple more to come in next post

The Bipolar Mind

Wake up, Need to wake up.

Waking up, shit, I need another hour.

Can I just be left alone for a bit…

Can I just enjoy this diversion for today…

My imagination suits me better, reality sucks ass.

I look and look for redemption from the pain, but its nowhere to be found. Is 20 years too late for I’m Sorry? My heart hopes not.

My life sucks, stuck in this place, this ghetto mind set. Living this disappointing life for decades now. Nothing new, nothing to be proud of beyond creating life which any sow can do.

I could have been so much more, could have been anything.

I became nothing, nothing at all.

I became a lesser version of the real me, the colourful me.

Frightened of the world and what it might think of me, or might do to me.

I try to move past a label, try to get back to me.

Will I succeed this time? or shall I fail yet again?

Will my friends like the real me? not the wisper of me that I have been?

Can this cloud of doubt be lifted? I hate this state of mind.

I know this thought process makes no sense, but its my clouded mind.

Paranoia, judgement, anger and disappointment fill my life and mind, my world of self doubt.

I blame others for my own failures because its an easier pill to swallow.

Flushed from the rush.

Flushed and Failed.

Tired, so tired, I need a break…

Sleep, I need to sleep.

Time for bed.


The Parachute

Jump, Leap, the parachute is fine

what a rush it will be.

I’m not asking for you to fall

I’m just asking for you to leap, to jump, for a chance at the possibilities.

I’m not asking for forever, just asking for something more.

I’m not asking for everything, just asking for you.

I’m not asking for your world, just asking for you.

I’m not asking for something your not ready for

I’m just asking for something beyond nothing, beyond the unknown space.

Leap, Jump, The Parachute is fine.
Ready or Not

I don’t mean to impose

but i’ve been here before

i know how the story goes

i want a new story

can you be one for me?

Are you ready for the time of your life?

Are you ready for me?

Am I ready for you……?
Where do I stand? (I'm not)

I’m not a rag doll

I’m not a toy

If I’m not yours then let me go.

I’m not words on a screen

nor a face on a book

I’m not a time filler

I’m not a waste-less void

there is no such thing as hollow words

I’m not a rag doll

I’m not a toy

Don’t treat me as such.

Wisper my name

tell me all your secrets, they’re safe here with me

tell me all your dreams, i’m here for you.

Wisper my name

I’m right here waiting for you

waiting for you to call my name

I’ve never been closer

why do you stand so far?

I’ve never been closer, to being yours.

Wisper my name

I stand here frozen in time

waiting on your decision

is my name on your lips?

are the words too bitter?

the wisp of empty air flows on and on

waiting for sound to break the silence.

Wisper my name

my heart beats faster, my feet grow numb

with each step I crawl towards you

hoping you’ll see me here

I struggle to wisper your name

I chance everything for a sign.

I close my eyes, and take a leap

I close my eyes and wisper your name

reaching out in the darkness

searching for you

grasping nothing but air

are you here?

Do you hear me wispering your name?

Wisper my name

let me know you want me

want me here, here near to you

does your heart quicken?

do you feel a thing?

Can you feel me here in the dark?

I’m reaching for you.

I can’t stand here for long

I can’t stand here unknowing

if I’m not your tomorrow, then i’m not your today.
Baby, I'm tired

Baby I’m oh so tired

from roaming this earth alone

I could sleep forever

curled up in this comfortable dark hole.

With you here at my side

I can walk miles

The earth doesn’t look so bleak

There’s something there for me, waiting, for me tomorrow

Your light strengthens me, it warms my nothingness.

Walking this path alone

is not what I envisioned it to be

This is not my destiny,

it’s not what my second chance was for

I’m meant to walk with pride

meant to walk with a smile on my face

with greatness at my side

With a light so bright, the light I see in you.

Can you see this too?

Can you see the light, the light in me?

or is all just a farse, a farse to fill your time?

is there a tomorrow or just a today….

Baby, I’m oh so tired

don’t let me stand here too long

the darkness is calling, and I can’t let it wait

gimme something to look to,

can we bask in the light?

To a man who did it all with a smile...

Little girl on daddy's knee
playing horsie with a smile so bright
hugs and kisses before she says goodnight
"goodnight baby, you sleep well."

Little girl not so little anymore
not quite a woman but not still a girl
"don't worry daddy i'll be just fine,
dont look at him that way daddy, it's not that bad".

little girl is all grown up, she's a mommy herself
little boy sitting on grandpa's knee
little boy with smile so bright
"more papa, i like horsie!".

old man laying down still
out of breathe and tired as can be
old man bones and old man aches
"it's okay daddy have a rest, its okay daddy we'll talk again in a few days".

old man becomes young again
his old bones and old man aches are gone
he's happy and smiling again
Rockin' to Jimi Hendrix again.

shed no tear that's not what he wants
be not sad that's not how he rolled
have a beer, have a toke, have a smile, stay awhile
celebrate and have memory, cause that's just how it has to be.

Grown woman walks up to her dad,
hugs and kisses before bed,
"Goodnight daddy, I hope you sleep well. Good night daddy, Rest in Peace."
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