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Lost In Wonderland
Without The Rabbit
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6th-Nov-2010 03:30 pm - Meme Stolen from Beyondinsanity
Lots of pillows or just one?
At the moment, just one.

What kind of books do you read?
Anything i can get my hands on. Really it depends on my mood.
I go from vampire to romance to stephan king and then some.

What are your neighbors like?
They're mostly like pennies: worthless and two faced.
Sure there are some that are awesome, and a lot that i don't know, but there is also a bunch that you can't trust as far as you can toss.
They are nosy and crazy.

Like i said, some are awesome. I live near Vanessa now, so how can i complain? :P

What's the best lesson you've ever learned?
Nothing is forever or guaranteed, so enjoy everything and every second that you have.

What's really creepy?
Being in the dark. Alone.

Is there anything in your life you would take back if you could?
Nope.Every action, every decision bad or good made me the person i am.

Do you prefer your junk food sweet, salty or savory?
that really depends. Can we have sweet and salty? Candy covered chocolate in popcorn... yum!

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, Lj, Craigslist

What was the last thing you bought?
Coke-a-Cola, Chocolate bar, Chips, Stickers, Jewelery Box, Earrings, Necklace.

Do you get cravings? If so, what do you crave?
Chicken, coke-a-cola, chocolate, fresh veggies & dip, fruit

What do you do to change your mood?
Warm bath, bubbles and a book.

What was the last meal you ate?
Chicken strips at lunch

Do you want to learn another language?
yes, several.

Five things you can't live without?
cell phone
my kids
warm baths

Are you a relationship person or a play-the-field kind of person?
neither right now.

What's something that you'd like to say to someone right now?
fuck off and leave us alone.

What are you looking forward to?
Amanda coming down next month.

Do you prefer boxers/briefs/tighty whities on a guy?
Doesn't matter, as long as they're clean. I mean really, if all goes well they won't be on long anyways ;)

You are forced to undergo a plastic surgery of your choice. What do you change?
Already have had plastic surgery. reconstructive plastic surgery that is LOL Though if I had to choose, then I would say since I have basically nothing to just take the rest, why bother....ya know....lol

What are your kids' names and how old are they? add a pict0r!
Amanda 10yrs 11mos
Austin 5yrs 6mos

19th-Oct-2010 11:00 pm - The Day I Wear Purple
If only a colour could stop the pain that bullies inflict all year round, then I'd wear a rainbow to cure all the tears. I'd march about town, from end to end, I'd wave it so proud and collect such a cheer. I'd get people to join just to show its quite right, I'd do it all day and all night. If a smile could prevent death, I'd smile all day. I would walk around smiling and hug for each one. But this isn't so, and thousand hurt and die, people suffer and cry. This is why we wear purple and teach our kids why...
My first love was a boy that lived by the mall by where I lived. I can't recall his name right now but he was a very nice boy who was actually a nice kid and liked me exactly as I was. He never backstabbed and was never 2 faced ever. He was like the male version of Vanessa but alot more quiet haha! We lost touch when I moved to Scarborough in 1991 and I heard a couple years ago that he ended up marrying one of my "best friends" named Cindy who was a total twatface and stabbed me and ratted me out when I made out with another boy to my parents. I was like, "What the fuck, how does a good kid end up with such a cunt?!" then I thought, "Okay, maybe she's not such a cunt anymore. Who knows."

I was a dreamer thinking I am going to meet a guy like in the romance novels and fan fiction stories and it's all going to be happily ever and he's going to be tall, tanned and blue eyes. Damn was I dullusional, haha. I am still a dreamer but hey, I think most women are.

Then at 15yrs old I met Larry (Lawrence) and we dated for a month but I lived so far away we really didn't hang out much and he was an idiot but in ways he was a nice kid. We broke up on April 21st, and then he asked out my best friend, Vanessa and I think they dated for 2-3 days. Yeah, Larry was a fucking idiot. Then we met up 3yrs later and he was all nice to me and wanted a hug, and I was in a bad mood and was a bitch to him. Poor kid. haha.

At 17 I met Shane, through Vaneesa, yeah thanks sistah-girl! LOL!! We were a firey relationship. Fighting and fucking type thing. In 1999 (I was 19yrs old - almost 20) we had a daughter together. I think it's the only good thing that came of that relationship.

Then in 2002 I met Chuck (Charles) and I met him online, and yes that was a stupid idea and he ended up being a very weird person. At first I liked him though, he was and is a nice guy. He's just weird. I don't think we ever really dated, we just hung out a bit. We stopped hanging out when I left Toronto for London ("the first time"). Then I hung out with him I think at least once in 2006 but only as friends catching up on how life has been.

In 2004 I met Terry and we never fought, never got mad at, we were what some people would consider the "perfect" relationship....at first. We moved in together after only dating 5 months, and he asked me to marry him after only 3 months. I found out I was pregnant with our child 6 months into the relationship. Now it's a firey relationship, we fight and bicker and all that wonderful stuff.

I don't know what else to write but that love is complicated and all, but it's sure a fun ride at times.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favourite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favourite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favourite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail
Most of those who are my friends on here know that I was diagnosed with possible COPD, I still need that CT Scan to be 100% sure which I will try and book once I move into my new place.

Well, the one thing terry has been doing is finally smoking outside after I had a Anxiety induced hyper fit on him a couple weeks back.

I always doubted he would last and today was proven point. I found him smoking in the bathtub while having a bath and he didnt even put it out while I was in the room for a whole 5 minutes !

I know he smokes in the house while I sleep, when you don't smoke you can SMELL the stench of tobacco. Plus this past few days I can just TASTE it in the back of my throat, which is disgusting and I can only get rid of with obscene amounts of milk or Cola -- which I cant drink cola because that makes my Anxiety worse but I have had to drink in this past week just to keep that nasty taste away and keep me "calm" from all the stress.

Since all this started my Hyperhydrosis has gotten 10x worse than it normally is, which is pretty bad as it is.

Ugh, I just keep reminding myself that I only have a couple days left in this hell.

17th-Jul-2010 12:41 pm(no subject)
It's been a hard month, just a month ago my dad was alive and I was chit chatting about family tree stuff, I told him I would call him in a few days. He ended up calling me on Father's Day and I wished him a happy fathers day and I told him some new stuff and told him I would call him on Tuesday to let him know some stuff after I talked to some people. Needless to say we never talked.

Its been hard, for those who know me I tend to bottle things up and keep the cool. Its been hard for the family in general.

My dad wasn't a perfect man by no means, he had a 38 year crack addiction that he lost one wife over and 2 sons. Mind you he still had visitations with his kids and sometimes they lived with us but nothing substantial. He also had mental health issues, I know he must have had PTSD or Anxiety and definately had anger management issues. He was severely abused by his dad and his mother treated him like a burden. They eventually reconciled (him & his mom)and had somewhat of a timid relationship and I got to meet her a few times before her illness set in and became dillusional and had her several strokes.

His father died when he was 17 and none of us kids got to meet him, I am starting to think that's a good thing though but who knows. He could have had "reasons" for being the way he was...but still.

He was a good man though, he helped out a lot of people though. We've had roomers in our various places we've lived even if we really didn't have the room. He fed, clothed, roomed and raised many young people along with his own kids. He guided many people along the way even though he was lost himself. He was intelligent but yet didn't have a college education, though he tried to get one back in the 1980s but I believe he dropped out. I think he was taking Mathamatics because I recall math books and how he was proud of me when I was 5yrs old and could read them, though I didn't understand the math of it...though he tried teaching me times tables though that failed.

There was good times and there was bad times. I always thought I wouldn't care if someone in my family died because they were so fucked up and I didn't "like" them much. It's not until death when you realize how much you love someone I guess.

I was with my dad when he was hit by the car in 1994 (I think..?) we were going to get a cmas tree, he was high and drunk and was wobbling on the median. I had a bad feeling then and I was right. He was hit by a car, I was so scared that he was dead when he was knocked out for 5 minutes. He only had a broken pelvis and knee. Both of which he had pain in for the rest of his life. I always felt horrid for that and we never did get a tree that year, nor did I get anything for christmas. That was just before nick started selling things for his crack habbit.

Life was difficult and a pain in the butt and drama filled but hey compared to some lives in this world, I think I had it pretty easy.

I know my parents love me, I even know that my fucked up brothers love me, I know that my friends love me and it took an eye-opener to realize the good I have and the drama I have. It taught me that I need to improve and not settle, it taught me to be a stronger person and not worry so much.

I do worry though, naturally people do. I am just like my dad in so many ways. I look like him (just skinnier obviously), I have the same "humor" as him, I am kind and generous like him, bottled up and "quiet" like him, and we both settled with things in life instead of trying to improve in life. He had dreams which weirdly enough, were almost exactly alike.

A year ago, maybe two, I "stole" a ring from him. He had baught it for himself or my mom I can't recall but after gaining weight from 180Lbs to 220Lbs that the ring wouldn't fit him and we had a laugh when he tried putting it on. We also talked about "old times" and how poor people were back in the 40's and 50's, and sugar sandwiches and other assorted sandwiches that us as parents would cringe at now.

He was such an avid wrestling fan, he loved it, he got to see his final wrestling the night before he died, Monday Night Raw or something..i dunno I dont watch it. He went to bed tired and sore and woke up the next day all wobbly and out of it, thinking it was just him being over tired and such my mom told him to take a sleeping pill and sleep for a few hours until it was lunch when she would make him lunch and they would enjoy watching some TV as normal...but as you might guess...it didn't go that way.

June 22nd was also his mother's birthday -- how ironic. Considering his mother died of a stroke AND just before she finally died a heart attack. My dad died of a severe heart attack that morning around 11am, but they didn't know until 1230pm when my brother came over for an umbrealla and 10 minutes into my mom trying to wake him up. I think deep down she knew all on her own but was in denial until my brother said something and called 9-1-1.

Mom and dad had been together for 32 years and been married for 30 years. Yeah they got married AFTER I was born but that's alright. My maternal grandmother and him never got along that well, and often times bickered and faught, but he was still there for my mom for her funeral. My maternal grandfather and him got along really well, they even joked about everything.

Like I said before this got long, it's been such a long month.

It's going to just get more difficult and heart wrentching but things need to be done for the better and its about time I get things done. I can't wait for things to improve when I've given it 3 YEARS to improve and nothing has happened besides getting worse.

On a good note, I see Vanessa ("beyondinsanity")in 13 days, I can't wait, it's been 2yrs abouts or something since we spent time together and then it wan't that enjoyable because it was drama filled for several reasons that we shall not get into.

Both Vanessa and I have both lost a parent in recent months, it seems we do everything alike, huh sistah girl? I think we both wish for our parents to be around, both of them were kick ass no matter how they lived their lives or what was done in their past.

I think this visit will do us some good, we have always been there for each other in the past and living so far away from each other has been hard. It will do us some good to spend some time together.

♫ Please don't hit me mr. car, mr. car .. ♫ remember that Vanessa? haha. That was kinda funny, despite the previous night.

wine coolers, smoking, beer and milk, boys, kids, school drama, etc we've had interesting times, we have LOL

Interesting is what we do I guess.....

and we won't even get into that halarious night that followed an undercooked meal or something that caused us to have an interesting walk in London haha. God, that was nasty but funny. Serves you right for laughing at me though *sticks out tongue*.

One goes to wonder what will be next?

I know one things for sure sistah-girl, I will be inviting my mom and brother up for christmas, i think they would enjoy the break from Tdot.

Well, I have mommy things to do and must get to them before the kiddies "starve" LOL

Love ya all my friendlies <3
You guys can guess what time it is, ranting about the idiot again -- not the ex idiot -- the current idiot.

Where to start?

Constantly angry over god knows what, since he won't talk about it but expects me to know everything he's thinking.

The night my father died he got angry at me because I didn't want to have sex, trust me, you don't want to know what I said to him about that. Then he has the nerve to suck up after I blow up at him. Fuck that shit.

Then now on a constant basis he whines about no sex but forget the fact that I have been on the rag for 2 weeks now, and somehow it's all my fault. Apparently because my dad died and I was on the rag and he's had no sex for over a month, apparently that means I think his dick is nasty and he should get casterated. **eyeroll**

Then he bitches at me for being online all the time but yet when the days I am not online and want to do something with him, he's too busy online all day. Oh and lets not forget, he's bitching about this WHILE being online all day.

Oh and now he wants to get his neice a computer that we cannot afford because BOO-HOO! She "rarely" gets online -- SHE'S ONLINE EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR -HOURS-!! That money could be used for clothes and food and our enjoyment, but NOOOO of course all senseabilities go out the window.

He wants kids so bad he's willing to steal his own sisters children -- enough said.

He downs a whole pharmacy of pills each night, which I wouldn't care much about but the fact that he NEVER does anything unless it profits him in some way. He never goes out unless he is getting money.

Anytime we DO go out, he yells at random people for stupid things. Like yelling at a lady because she didn't move RIGHT AWAY. For all he knew she could have been deaf. Curses and threatens any car that might be a hair over the white line.

Lets not even begin on how his lack of shaving is making him look like grizzley addams and he doesn't seem to care about how much of a bum he looks like.

He refuses to clean EVER! well except when the lanlord comes to collect the rent, and then barely anything. Then when I ask him to help clean he goes on to say, "You know you could do some too!", meanwhile I AM the only one that cleans on a daily basis. The garbage bags are too heavy for me to pick up and he refuses to take more than 2 down, so we always have 1 or 2 still around which has now built up to our garbage area in the house (ie. our kitchen) looking like Toronto during the garbage strike.

Anytime I point anything out he goes on to whine, "Oh I am so disabled! Oh I almost died! Oh can't you do some!" (well not exactly, but close enough).

Then during any arguement he brings up the whole fact that I cheated on him, when in fact I never did. I broke up with him before I started seeing that person, and I stopped seeing that person when our (idiot and I) 's relationship improved. But of course he only sees it his way.

Oh and I tell him I have COPD and he has to smoke outside now because cigarette smoke could KILL me, and make it so I will only live up to FIVE years and guess what he said?? That its HIS house and HE pays the rent so HE'LL smoke where-ever he damn well pleases. Yeah, thanks.

Then he talks to his ex's online and all these other people (mostly female) BUT gets mad when I talk to ANYONE online, and I MUST be looking for a new man / cheating on him because I am talking to someone. Only one he doesn't bitch about is me talking to Vanessa, anyone else I MUST be fucking -- obviously. **eyeroll** Yet when I mention that he's talking to ex's in which a couple that STILL want him, but apparently that's alright because it just is -- yup that's what he said.

Our house looks like a shithole and he doesn't care.

He yells at the kids for being kids, and doesn't care.

He's spanked Austin hard enough a few times to leave a hand print, and I get mad but apparently it's alright for him to do but when I yell at austin for almost killing himself, I am teh worstest mommy evar!

This household is beyond disfunctional and he doesn't even notice or care.

CAS could knock at our door any minute and he's in denial and thinks they can't do anything and if they try he will take his kid far away from everyone and no one will take his kid away. He thinks this will work and is logical. He thinks that the mess that is our home would not get our kid taken away, yeah right, have you not seen or smelled the place?

I have done so much to try and make this place better, but everyone messes it up mere MINUTES after being cleaned.

I have tried working out our relationship but he doesn't want to try. I told him I give him 6 months to start smoking outside and start contributing more to cleaning around the house and a couple other simple things, nothing done AT ALL since.

It's been 3-4 months and he thinks it's all a big fucking joke.

He puts everything above what we need (ie. food, rent) and thinks we can live on $150/mo worth of food for FOUR people!

I am a hair away from taking Austin and leaving !
Some of you are on my Facebook, so you might know this already.

My dad passed away on June 22nd, 2010 in the morning at home sleeping next to my mom of a massive heart attack. My mom never knew he had heart issues beyond his high blood pressure and his massive weight of 250Lbs. She found out for the first time after he died that he was taking heart pills when the coroner asked her. She had been sleeping next to him for 4hrs without knowing he had passed which made her feel even worse when she found out his time of death.

His funeral was on Friday the 25th of June 2010, he was buried amongst a bunch of pretty trees and wild yellow canaries at the back of the cemetary where it is pretty quiet and pretty surroundings.

I called him 1:30pm that day to let him know I found out his mother's info and such that we had been searching for 8yrs now. My mom said he was sleeping and she would get him to call later. To think that he was already dead at this point has really freaked me out. I had the erge to call around 10am (his T.O.D) but I was thinking that it was a day off from my brother and he would want to sleep in -- irony. If I called at 10am, I would have gotten to talk to him one last time, but I can't dwell on 'what-ifs'.

It's weird that he's dead, it seems so unreal. Even though I saw him in his casket at the funeral. Touched him and all. It still seems unreal. Some moments I think, 'Nah, he's gonna call and say it's been just one of Nick's sick games and he had to stay somewhere else for a few days but he's fine and home now'. That of course isn't going to happen, as much as I wish it would.

It's creepy when my mom calls because the phone is in his name and my dad's name shows up when she calls. Also the answering machine is still the "greeting" he set years ago. If it wasn't for my mom still using the phone I would have left a message for him. The day he died I called the cell a couple times when I knew my mom wasnt going to answer just to hear him talk on the 'greeting'. I haven't let myself do that again.

I am making a point in going to his grave once a month on the 22nd (the day he died), Feb. 27th and Father's Day. Father's Day was the last time I spoke to him, we were talking about the HST and Ancestry stuff and I wished him a happy father's day. Austin was acting up and so I told him I would call back on Tuesday, he said, "Okay, If im around". He meant unless he went out for the day or such, but just looking back that line seemed a little creepy.

I miss him. I found out stuff that I never knew about him before. I guess I needed to know them, but I wish I didn't. My aunt (his sister) is mailing me old photos of him and the family. I also asked Paul (my brother and his first born child) to ask his step-dad if they could send the photos from the funeral to me, he said they probably would.

My journey in searching for his family tree is just about done, I have found out what he wanted to know, and more. We have been working on it for 8yrs and more serious for 5 years. It wasn't until after he died that it all fell into place. He never got to find out that his jorney was done and could find some peace in life. I guess he found the ultimate peace, resting with god in heaven.

My dad's ex-brother in law John died just 5 days before him on the 17th of June 2010. Which weirded me out even more. I guess they are together in Heaven now, both without their demons and pain.

I am worried about my mom. I just have a bad feeling. I don't know what i'd do if something happened to her too.

Goodnight Daddy, RIP. <3
25th-May-2010 01:53 pm - Austin is sick again =( Poor Kid
Austin has had diarreah for a month almost now, we have tried everything and the doc has tried natural stuff. Nothing is working in long term measures sadly.

They are worried about IBS at the moment because on the quick passing of stools. That or some kind of irratibility.

He has an appointment with a ped. GI thursday at 2pm and so we'll see what she thinks.

Hopefully things work out.

Have to run, will write more later.
11th-Jan-2010 05:10 pm - News
I made a new LJ about my journey to wellness, what i am thinking, how im feeling, whats going on medically and stuff like that. My new LJ explains it better. I'm posting this here so certian people know about the other LJ, that I haven't disappeared or stopped thinking of them. I think of all my online and IRL friends constantly, and I heart you all.

come check out my new LJ, i filter comments to avoid trolls too.


everyone and anyone is welcome to view and comment.

I might not be back to this journal for awhile, so if you want to delete me I'll understand.

I am focusing on my "recovery" journal more than this one.

Love you all like crazy.

My IRL friends I miss you like mad and wish you would call sometime...you guys know my cell #, no broken fingers I suspect? lol

Hope everyone is well.

happy 2010 too!
15th-Dec-2009 09:55 pm - Holy shit batman!
Its been ages since i been journaling on here.

Im still alive, I just found another sight that was better suited to my needs.

I will still try and update here too, no worries my LJ friends.

Lots has happened since last entry.... too buzzed on medication to write so fuck it....

no ones bee's wax anyhow....

Im happy and doing good, that's all that matters :)

write here again, as soon as I recall I have this thing again....LOL
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